Resilience is defined as the ability of a substance to “spring back into shape”. It is this elasticity of thought and being that allows us to adapt, to improvise, and take things in stride. As Bruce Lee famously said in an interview “be formless, shapeless like water. you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup...”. But being formless doesn’t equal weakness. Water may take any form that contains it, but water can also erode mountains.
Everyone has faced some form of adversity in their life; the only difference is of degrees. All around us every single day there are people who have gone through and are going through things we cannot begin to understand. We all know and understand loss, pain, hopelessness as part of the human experience. Most of us have also had to deal with some form of failure in our lives. But not everyone has the same reaction to dealing with failure. The more resilient amongst us truly stand out for their ability to move on from circumstances that would be paralyzing for another.
I’ve been used to hearing no from a very young age. Luckily rather than discourage it became the fuel that propelled me to push forward. I grew a thick skin and learnt how to navigate sticky situations. To make up for the lack of mentors and role models in real life I found them amongst fictional characters in books. Through my own experiences navigating adversity I have been able to identify techniques that can help anyone build more resilience.
Resilience as a personality trait
A few things I have found useful to build resilience:
- Stuff happens and suffering is as much a part of life as is happiness. You may not always have control over the things that happen to you. Thinking that you do can lead you down the “why me” rabbit hole. The sooner you can accept that some things will always happen where you will have no control the sooner you can get out of the “denial” phase. This will free you up to focus on what you HAVE control over so you can make the effort towards things that you can change. The switch from focusing on what you have over what you lost can be the most significant mindset change to build resilience over the long run.
- One of the main reasons we find adversity so hard to deal with is that it shifts our balance. We go from a place of feeling secure and in control to a place where we feel flung into profoundly uncontrollable territory. In times like these I find simple things like lists help me a lot. They help me scope things down into more manageable bite sizes and feel less overwhelmed. It lets me find ways to still enjoy other aspects no matter how small. I remember an especially difficult time in my life when it felt like there was no end in sight. After months of wallowing in self-pity I decided to do one thing each day that would make me smile. Chocolate chips in my cereal. A short walk alone with good music. Switching your focus to the positive can help drown out the negative.
- Do not play the blame game. Even if you truly blame yourself for your circumstances. Think about what you would say to a friend in the exact same situation. I would show them a lot of kindness and a lot of grace. Show yourself that same kindness and grace. Beating yourself up just adds to the feeling of hopelessness over something that likely was never in your control in the first place. It is also a huge energy suck. Instead use that same energy to focus on things you can control to gain back some of your power.
- Understand that all suffering is time bound and finite. No matter what. Looking beyond the right now into a future time horizon lets you get a glimpse beyond the present bad to the future good. This too shall pass.
Resilient leadership
To build resilient communities and resilient teams you need to be a resilient leader. It’s easy to look at certain leaders and think of them as unshakeable, people who are not easily bothered by failure or setbacks. But you’d be surprised to know how many of them have arrived at their current state by building a resilient mindset under tremendously stressful situations. By analyzing the behaviors of a diverse subset of these leaders some common traits surface:
- Their ability to maintain emotional equilibrium. Staying calm under pressure and enabling others to do the same.
- Always putting things into perspective.
- Dealing well with ambiguity.
- Ability to handle setbacks with grace and cautious optimism.
- Consistent investment into their physical and mental wellbeing.
Looking at this list a common theme emerges; these are learned behaviors that we can all cultivate over time. Resilience isnt a fixed trait or something only certain people can acquire. It is a frame of mind that I believe we can train ourselves to achieve. Leaning consistently into these strategies so they become habit is how you build that muscle. Experts and tools can show you the way but ultimately you must develop your own unique plan to build the resilience you need, when you need it. I hope this is a good starting point.
